It’s no secret that sex isn’t always glamorous and passionate. It can be messy and awkward, and a lot of times just downright funny.
With a WHOLE lockdown ruining our sexual escapades, sex has been the number one topic of conversation I’ve been having with friends. The usual Tinder and Bumble debate became as dry as my vagina so the only question left to ask each other was “what’s the funniest thing that’s happened to you during sex?”
My friend’s have brought me to floods of tears with funny stories involving pets, locked doors, and a surprising number of FAILS. Sex is a wonderful thing, but with just one mishap it can turn into a moment that traumatizes you for life. Everyone has their own version of an embarrassing sex story and these ones are just absolutely hilarious. Below are some of my handpicked favourites that had me belly laughing and in stitches.
Names have been changed to protect my friend’s decorum and dignity. Love ya’s.
“When I was in college, I was linking this guy who smoked a lot of weed. I mean, he was high 24/7. I liked that he was really chill, but turns out, he might’ve been too chill. One night we were having sex, and he just stopped in the middle of it. I asked him what was wrong and he said he was just too high and tired. Being a generous gal, I offered to give him a blow job instead and he happily accepted. As I was doing it, I noticed I wasn’t really getting any vocal feedback or anything. I mean we all like to hear the moans that come from a good BJ right? I looked up and saw that he’d fallen asleep! We stopped seeing each other after that. It wasn’t good for my ego LOL”
“I was seeing a footballer at the time. He was popular and whatever, but he had a girlfriend. He told me she was awful and treated him badly. I was young, naive, and believed him. So one night, I was at his apartment in East London and we were in bed together and things had really just started heating up, so intense, at the height of passion when we heard a knock on the door. It was his girlfriend banging on the bedroom door. She must have had a key, which made me feel even worse. But I had to keep silent for about 10 minutes while he yelled from behind the door that he was not letting her in. I was mortified.”
“This was just before the pandemic! It all started when a certain TV personality sent me a DM. ‘Hey <3,’ he wrote. We started talking, and it turned out he was in my area. He asked me to hang out with him that evening, go for a drive around the city and get some dessert. I wasn’t sure if he was for real, so I asked if he was serious and told him I was free at 7. We met up and drove to one of those ponsey Mayfair clubs, but then he started drinking and became disgustingly drunk, like straight away ROTTEN drunk. He asked me if I wanted to have sex with him and be his baby mum? When I said no, he said his cum was gold. I’ve never laughed harder in my life. I got a swift Uber and left the restaurant after that, the next morning he blocked me on IG.”
“A few years back I hooked up with this guy and when I woke up in the morning my clothes were eerily folded on his chair. It almost looked like he ironed them. And my shoes were in a straight line next to his. I was pretty sure in that moment that he was either a serial killer or the kind of clean that I would never live up to. Either way, I knew it was not going any further.”
I used to date a guy who had a beautiful grey cat, and as a cat lover myself, it made the guy ten times more attractive. That was until, mid-sex, I found myself face-to-face with said pussy.
As I eyeballed the cat that was sitting on the bed, mere inches from my face, staring me down while cat daddy pounded me, I started to feel strangely uneasy. It felt like the cat was enjoying watching and intimidating me so I froze. He asked me what was wrong and I said “Your cat is staring at me.” He laughed and said “It’s OK. It’s just a cat. It doesn’t know what’s going on.” This cat was creeping me the fuck out so I told him “Yeah, but it’s unnerving. He’s just looking at me.”
“Just ignore him,” he said, kissing me. We kept having sex, but I couldn’t enjoy it, not with the cat just sitting there. The cat, its head cocked to the side, eyeballing me, refusing to break visual contact with me. It was sinister, contemplative, as if it might be thinking, “Soon…” while concocting some diabolical plot to annihilate me. I viewed cats different after that. and him.
When it comes to sex, we don’t always anticipate the best encounter’s of our lives. You never in your wildest dreams imagine it going tits up (literally), or being one of the most horrific moments that just sits at the back of your mind until its pushed to the forefront every time you’re about to get intimate.
But, unfortunately, all of us must endure bad sex every once in a while. And honestly, although it doesn’t seem like it at the time, it’s kind of a good thing. You see, that means when you have mind-blowing sex, it’ll be THAT much better, ’cause you can compare it to all those bad times, and be like “thank god that sh*t is over.”
So if you’ve lived through a ridiculously embarrassing sexual encounter, then more power to you Hun.
If you have any funny or embarrassing sex fails you would like to share please send me an email here. Confidentiality and anonymity are paramount to sharing experiences through my blog, your details will never be revealed.
Hope you enjoyed this post & take care,